Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sharing it and bearing it

My day was artificial.

Explain why?
Blocking something that has stayed in our mind for so long is never easy, it could just instantly pop up in the middle of an activity.  The barrier is unexplainable.  The effort is unspeakable.  Ridiculously hard and no fun.  Any tips?

I am good to go.  But to really willingly leave is so hard.  Especially when the temptation is there.  Not literally.

I think people who are afraid of heights may also share this characteristic: 
Emotionally disturbing or easily distressing.

What is so scary about snakes, spiders and such?
They are poisonous.  And the poison may lead to your death.

The naked truth.  The only thing we share.

Marshmallows should always be grilled.  It completes the perfection in the taste.  Story of a picky girl.

My Saturday was fine.  I was supposed to go for Dim Sum with some guy but he couldn't wake up on time.  So we went to a charity garage sale instead, but it was finished when we got there.  We decided to grab some bites at Friendly's, I was all happy because the Oreo fudge dessert was so yummy.  Then we went to grocery shopping, checking out pets at Pet Co (which made me want a puppy even more), checking out Wii Fit at sports Authority, went back to his place to watch TV, and ended the night dining at Charlie Brown's Steakhouse with a long talk.  It was not the best but I would not complain.

CAUTION! The following post is going to be extremely dramatic and may freak you out due to its level of sappiness.  Don’t read to avoid any occurrence of sickness and disgust.

I made a promise to myself; last Friday night would be the last time I cried because of him. Then I realized I could be such a girl as well. I had been living in this character ever since I knew about feeling and relationship, I chose to never get too emotionally involved, was raised and taught to never depend on anyone, and definitely not girlfriend material.  I had been told repeatedly for being cold and slightly heartless.  Then I got to know him, in which I learned the entire different side of me, that I can be soft, a little spoilt, lovely, cute, silly, dependent, sincerely caring, comfortably and easily sharing my everyday life, thoughts, troubles, to truly listen to someone, to know that it is not necessary to be strong at all time, to respect someone that way, to enjoy the feeling of having someone to tell me that everything will be fine, where I was able to smile my heart and brain out when we had those long phone calls giggling about everything, people we know, things around us, his witty cynical jokes, and all those deep thoughts when we hit the more serious subjects.

5 months ago, he told me that he couldn't do all those stuff with me anymore. I'm just glad that I was not, and still not, the type that was selfish and pathetic enough to beg him to stay. I told him that I understood, it hurt me even more seeing him suffering that way, the guilt he felt because of my existence in his life.  I cried that night and the next day onward I blocked myself to feel or think of anything that had to do with him. I got myself so busy with thesis, work, or just being out there with people. Surprisingly it worked. I was still that happy girl that everybody knew, I kept everything to myself, and nobody needed to know.  Days passed by, 3 months later I finished my thesis on time with pretty much satisfying result, I graduated with a GPA of 3.85.  I incidentally recalled those days when he was there to support me; I got over it by telling myself that I made it even without him!  I did meet some guys here and there, we hanged out frequently but that was about it.  I knew that I will know it when it is right, when I feel right about someone, in which I felt none from them.

Then I took sometime off and went traveling with my mom, I got even busier with traveling upon my mom's visit and graduation preparation. A month later my mom left for home. I woke up in the middle of one night, from a dream about him, where I kept waiting for him but he never showed up, and this song that I barely knew and didn't even like by Colbie Cailatt with the line 'I miss everything about you' was playing repeatedly in the background.  I couldn't get back to sleep after that, I was so into this song called 'over and over' by Rachael Yamagata at that time, the song was about how she thought she was okay and just fine until she woke up one night, where there was nothing to get her back to sleep or take him off her mind.  How epic was that? I decided to email him and told him that I didn't expect him to reply.  I was totally aware that things would never be the same for us anymore.

Eventually he contacted me back, we started to talk again, but I know how he tried to limit things up, to not get too involved this time.  I kept telling myself that I could do this, it had been long enough and I survived.  I wanted us to remain friends; I wanted to help him all I can, anytime.  But in the end I failed terribly.  I couldn't do it; I care too much for him.  But once again I was grateful for the person I am.  That each time when he came back to my life all he wanted and left when he didn't feel right, I didn't do any crazy stuff, even though I was really mad at first, I wanted to yell and ask him if he had a radar or something, that each time when he saw that I may be over it and move on, that was the time he decided to make his come back and shit all over the place again.  I was sorry, he was sorry; we went back to the part where we wanted to take the blame by ourselves.  Then I realized it was nobody’s fault, it was just feeling, all these feelings I have for him, that make me feel all these craps.

Here I am, sitting on some other guy's coach typing  on my iPad my last thought about a very normal, but exceptionally special to me, guy that I used to call 'Monsieur', and I surprisingly like it when he used to call me 'sweetie pie' despite the fact that I used to dislike nickname calling.  And when a very ridiculous 5 minutes advertisement about an anti acne product from a foreign channel played on this other guy's TV, I was allowing myself to think of him and how he usually cracked me up about these kind of stuff for the last time.  But I'm not afraid to feel this way again, and I'm sure I will meet someone that I will feel this way with.  From today onward I will start blocking any feeling or thought I have for him.

I wish him the happiest he can be and I will do the same for myself.


  1. You look very sweet, and have the most incredible eyes!

    And, I don't even know where to begin with your story about the boy - but all I can say is they cause a lot of troubles!

  2. Anything I try to change (mindset wise) I alllways write down repeatedly. Simple but it works :)


  3. I know it must be really hard but I truly admire you for being so strong. And dont worry, life moves on, and you still have ahead so many wonderful experiences waiting for you. xx

  4. honey, you're too beautiful to feel like this.

    similar to what lela commented, what helps me is to write down a before and after list.

    the before column should have a list of why you feel this way, and what emotions you feel.

    the after column is what you should think about, and do to try to transition to that state.

    once you have a happy outlook, and solutions in mind, things will progressively change.

    i promise [:

    PS: if you need to talk, email me.

    <3 dennica pearl
    - through the eyes of a pearl
    - vintage shop

  5. Owh, I'm so touched! You guys are so sweet and supportive (: I'm grateful for surprisingly doing just fine, not like all GREAT, but surviving.

    And Pearl, may I kiss you for your kindness? d:


I can't help it but smile smile smile :D
So, thank you!

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Head to Heart by Sanny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License